


Fair and Cruel

by Dwynna



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 04:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7300060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwynna/pseuds/Dwynna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the possibility of death at dawn, it becomes easier to see the humanity in the enemy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fair and Cruel

After a year of training, battles, lost sleep over compatriots lost, the next morning would bring it all to a head. That is, at least, what the Resistance hoped. Everyone still able to fight, shoot, fly, or coordinate was tapped for an assault at dawn upon the home base of the First Order. No exception to the rule, Rey sat in her quarters, thinking of the next morning. The whole situation felt rushed, but really, when would be a better time to strike?

The First Order suffered immense losses in the quadrant, thanks to some excellent droid recon and bombing runs. Four space stations were nothing but husks, dropping out of orbit onto the forest planet holding the majority of First Order troops and leadership, a backwater planet that they wrested from poor natives. The most exciting intel claimed Snoke lived below the largest base, an ancient ruin of stone that once served royalty. As unprepared as she felt, Rey would be placed on that planet tomorrow, wielding a lightsaber in the name of the Resistance, but not as a jedi.

She sighed, closing her eyes to center herself. The life of a jedi eluded her, strict rules and codes of conduct felt abrasive to her naturally independent nature. She had been isolated so long on Jakku that she felt she would excel at the training, but the lure of emotions and bonds of friendships she never before felt kept her from that perfect serenity. Master Luke never showed disappointment, however, and kept training her in every technique she could muster. Far from perfection, but still formidable, according to her Master. Correction, former Master, she was just a force wielding soldier now. If Luke was concerned about where she landed on the force spectrum, he certainly didn't show it, and his continued warmth toward her was welcome. Several times in training, he confessed that the old ways of the Jedi left too many vulnerable and unable to cope with emotion. As a result, Rey found it easy to embrace the light and her feelings.

She used several force techniques on a daily basis, but none were as enjoyable as meditation. While Luke used meditation to achieve perfect calm, Rey used it to deepen her connection between the force, her body, and her emotions. After the especially long days, she looked forward to a long stint of silence and melting into the force.

After the evening meal, and a couple of harder libations with the crew, Rey excused herself to her quarters. She stood under the spray of the refresher much longer than normal, allowing her skin to go pink from the heat. After toweling off, she swept back into the main room, lighting incense and dimming the overheads. She removed a small, ornately carved quartz bottle from her footlocker and looked at it wistfully. She never made a habit of using anything that wasn't purely necessary, but when a trader came through with various anointing oils, she couldn't help but buy one. It had sat in the footlocker unused for months, but on the eve of battle, it seemed proper to indulge. She set the bottle by the burning incense while she changed from a towel to a loose fitting, sashed sleeveless tunic, letting her arms and legs remain bare. The vanilla color of the soft cloth made her tan skin look even darker, and she allowed her damp hair to fall down her back undone.

She sat near the incense and took the bottle in her hands again, but her mind strayed to what was to occur at dawn. She found that she was not scared, but a deep disquiet settled in her gut. Over the last few months of training, Rey learned just how interconnected everything was in the Force, how to manipulate it as well as navigate, and how to find others. Luke saw this talent in her, and taught her how to shore up the walls of her mind from invasion, and she took to it beautifully. Keeping others out did not mean that she was unknown in the force, however, and she felt her thoughts slip to Kylo Ren.

After the fight on Starkiller, Kylo Ren did not register in the Force in any way that she could meaningfully detect for several months. She assumed he was spending time healing and training, since he still breathed. One day, however, she felt the pressure of something seeking her, something with teeth and rage. She slammed the walls up in her mind in time for Kylo to crash against them, repelled. It was the first time she realised that in the force, one could manifest in different forms. In his case, a creature black as pitch, with a consistency of oil and smoke, eyes a frighteningly bright amethyst that flickered red with rage at turns. It seethed on the edges of her mind for hours, but she refused to budge until it left her with a great bellowing roar. She made Luke aware of the interaction, which made him proud of her and scared for her at the same time. Kylo Ren, dangerously close to a full Sith lord, marked her as an enemy.

Ever since that day, he appeared during her meditations often, running the gamut of emotions. There were a few points where he seemed calm enough to speak with, but the moment she started to take her defenses down, she felt his rush of triumph and immediately shored up again. The denial of satisfaction would throw him back into a rage before leaving her. He also made her realize that physical distance changed how easy it was to reach one another in space. The further away he was, the harder it was to reach her, sometimes impossible.

The few times they saw one another in the flesh over the past few months were fleeting, which she felt very grateful for. Kylo Ren’s talent in battle still outshone her, despite all her training. Unless injured, Rey doubted she could best him again in combat. Things started changing though. Intel reported an increasingly distracted leader of the Knights of Ren, as well as a certain level of infighting. About eight months after Starkiller, he killed one of the most senior Knights with little fanfare after he questioned Kylo’s leadership. Since, Ren was never seen with another Knight. He would be accompanied by a regiment of extremely well trained troopers and leadership.

Kylo’s battlefield presence also caused major confusion to the recon teams. It seemed a 50-50 shot of having a stoic, disengaged Ren simply watching the field, and a ruthless, bloodthirsty, reckless demon doing the work of the entire company. The battle cries coming from his mask were far more monster than human. Whatever sanity he retained was bleeding out into the fields along with his victims’. Ten months after Starkiller, he suddenly stopped and became a silent figurehead full-time, not even bothering to remove his saber from his hip.

Her last encounter with him chilled her deeply. On a rain-choked planet, she found herself separated from her squad briefly. The battle was ebbing to a close, most of the remaining First Order troopers had fallen back. Ren stayed back in the ranks during battle, statue still, as opposed to Rey who lost track of how many soldiers she disarmed and disabled. As quiet overtook the rocky terrain, her eyes met the mask of her enemy, and squared toward him. His mask’s lifeless gaze bored into her before his hands lifted to pop the switches to remove it, the soft hydraulic hiss audible only to him in the downpour. When she saw his face, she faltered for only a moment. The scar she gave him healed well, but dominated his features, a silvery version of his normal skin tone. His mouth held no amusement, but the truly confusing part of it all was his eyes, so utterly exhausted. The handsome face of Han Solo’s son told a story of lost hope, and his emotions reeked of desire to escape, disappear, die, in order to find peace. She almost deactivated her lightsaber when a trooper gunner lieutenant ran toward them. 

“Sir, we need you back on the ship.” his voice came panicked from the comm, but he raised his weapon steadily and fired at her. She flicked her wrist to deflect the shot off her lightsaber with an easy, fluid stroke. A split-second later, she felt the Force slam into her breastbone, pushing her back along the muddy ground into a crouch. Her eyes met Ren’s to see his left hand outstretched at her, but his right held the muzzle of the trooper’s blaster, pointing it to the sky. He broke eye contact and turned away, shoving the trooper back with him while hastily fitting his helmet back on. Rey felt her mouth go dry as she stood, lightsaber deactivating as she watched him retreat.

Did Kylo Ren want to die? Why spare her? The monster at the edge of her mind was suddenly less sinister, and more caged animal.

Rey expected to see him during the long night ahead, and was curious of what would unfold. She settled to the floor in front of the incense font and took the stopper off the quartz bottle. She poured a small amount onto her fingers and marked her forehead, cheeks, chin, jaw, and behind her ears. She ran a trail down both arms, then down her thighs, knees, and calves, before finally a line across the bones of her feet. With every breath she took, the scent of the oil hit, a heady mix of herbs, sugar, musk, and earth. She folded her legs beneath her, back straight, let her shoulders roll back and placed her hands on her knees. Each breath she took was longer, deeper, her eyes drifting closed as the scented oil and incense invaded her senses. The Force was then tangible, moving around and through her, making the features of the room disappear in favor of a starry black void. Nebulae of blue, gold, and red swirled about in the distance. Everyone experienced the Force differently in meditation, Luke explained to her once, and Rey would always experience it as space itself. She became one with the darkness, just a tiny point of light in the galaxy. Her heart soared, like every time she meditated so deeply. She focused on her body within the Force, letting the light pool into her extremities in the form of stars, constellations forming the framework of her body, and quickly transformed into a being of speckled light. Although an illusion, she found she could be anything she wished within the Force, a welcome respite from being human.

She let her breath pool deeply into her gut, and as she exhaled, she bent and reformed the shape of her hands, arms, feet, legs, every inch of her body. Her star-flecked form resembled a quadrupedal creature, long of limb, deep through the chest, with a long whipping tail, regal mane, and an angular head, long horns of light bending upward from the temple with diamond shaped ears. She allowed herself to wander the space in this way, observing the distant points of light, and deep black pits. In her vision, the light specks and the dark voids were other force-sensitive beings in the galaxy. Since she had never met then, she had never been able to seek them out or contact them, but she felt their connection deeply. The more brilliant the light, or deeper the dark, the stronger the beings were. Only a handful she managed to recognize in her brief training. Luke was an especially shining blue beacon, surrounded by a vertical halo of light. If she listened hard enough, she could hear his power singing in the galaxy. She pitied anyone foolish enough to underestimate the Jedi.

Snoke’s presence chilled her, never truly in one place. It acted like a mist, permeating the edges of the galaxy and leaking into every dark void it could. She knew he could see her in the Force, but made no move to reach out. Every time she slipped into meditation, his influence over the galaxy had spread. Seeing how quickly lights in the galaxy were being extinguished was terrifying, and she wondered her speck of light was of no concern to the Sith.

Rey sat it her constellation form for quite some time before she felt a presence at the fringes of her mind. She allowed her starry eyes to open, and across the distance saw a swirling void of darkness she recognized. Kylo Ren. The long, sinewy body of his form turned upon itself like a mobius strip, head still, eyes staring straight into hers. The long, terrifying face of the creature was absurdly noble for being so monstrous. His emotions felt flat, defeated, exhausted. The eyes, usually that terrible violet or flashing red, shone a muted gold in the distance.

Rey stood on all-fours, turning her body toward him and arching her spine in a clear display of power and control. She bared her form’s long teeth and growled across the distance separating them. If he wanted to converse, it would be on her terms. His eyes slid shut as he nodded once in acquiescence. Rey hesitated for a short moment before allowing her mind to open slightly. Kylo Ren unfolded slowly, slipping into her mind with serpent-like grace. His slow move evaporated into a sudden rush, his oil-smoke form surrounding her in the void, long arms with angular joints and claws fell from jutting shoulders, his terrifying face inches from hers, long pointed teeth barely hiding a thick, forked tongue. His breath was slow and purposeful, like hers, as they observed one another for several moments.

“Why did you let me in?” his voice entered her mind, tone incredulous.

“Why do you insist on being in my head?”

“Do you always answer questions with more questions?”

“Sometimes.”

“You're such a child.” His poise broke, and she watched smoke pour from his nostrils as he sighed, clearly annoyed. “You're one of the most powerful force users of the last 100 years, and you answer my questions with more questions.” She could smell him while up close. He was a strange mix of metal, ozone, wood smoke, and earth, the off-putting scent of war. She regarded him for a moment, then sat on her haunches facing him, a move that seemed to annoy him further. Unfortunately for him, his bravado was false and he did not realize how transparent he was.

“One would argue that I am still a child, I disagree with that. You should probably just blame my lack of social graces, considering I'm just a scavenger, right?” She quipped.

“You're not just a scavenger,” he seethed, “you're a powerful being that is underappreciated and underutilized by an army of misfit fools. The fact that you're a pawn for the Resistance infuriates me to no end when I could have shown you the true power you have. Instead you chose to be the padawan of a flawed teacher.” Rey pondered his words momentarily. In her downtime, she sometimes had the pleasure of joining Leia for a meal, tea or the occasional short hike around the base. Leia would tell her stories about Ben, her son, her joy and pain. The stories would range from regrets, of should-haves and could-haves, to triumphs, and deep love. Leia painted a picture of Ben that Rey almost felt connected to, a young man who needed a hand held out to pull back to the light. It was hard to look at the monster in front of her and see Ben Solo, but she felt the urge to try, for Leia. For herself.

“I'm not a padawan, and I will not be a Jedi.” She stated simply, staring him in the eyes. Confusion flashed through him briefly.

“Why?” He exhaled sharply.

“I am no jedi, not without destroying who I am. I'm not made for that kind of life,” she cocked her head to the side and continued before he could interrupt, “and nor would I go to the dark, for the same exact reason.”

“I wouldn't expect you to, considering you're a blinding beacon of light,” he said the word as if it hurt him, but then raised his great arms toward her in a beseeching gesture, sharp clawed hands palm up and open, “if only you would reconsider, you could be spared a life of mediocrity, or an early death. Why throw it away on them, Rey, when you are godly in this universe?” His voice, forceful and compelling, seemed at the surface like an offer of power, but Rey saw through it.

“You're trying to spare me.”

“What did you say?” Kylo’s voice rose like thunder, his form arching and twitching in anger. She saw in him the cracks and fissures in his loyalty to the dark, light seeping through, glowing from his eyes. She reached up toward him, front paws returning to the form of constellations, then her human fingers and hands. She clamped her hands around the muzzle of the monster before he could jerk away, and his true face was revealed. She held him there with her hands, staring openly at his frustrated features, the jagged scar, deep dark eyes, wide mouth twisted in a sneer. He growled at her, then grabbed her shoulders painfully with his clawed hands. Her own starry form melted away at the contact, revealing her as she was in meditation, face peaceful.

“You think that by coaxing me to your side that you can protect me,” she ignored the pain of his grip, “but I would be no more safer with you than I am alone. Snoke is using you, consuming you. Being under your wing will not protect me.” He softened visually, hurt and defeat playing across his expression.

“You think me a fool.”

“I think you're a great many things, but not a fool. Kylo…” his name felt strange on her lips, she should hate him and yet felt an urge to protect him as well. Perhaps they were connected by mutual insanity, or Leia’s will was the strongest force in the galaxy, “come to us. No one is so far from forgiveness.”

“Are you forgetting who you're talking to?” He snorted, brows arched.

“No, but stranger things have happened. Leia told me about her father, your grandfather, and Luke acknowledges that the old Jedi ways are flawed. It is not black and white, nothing ever is.”

“You're trying too hard to see redemption in me, Rey.” Kylo shook his head at her, “I'm more Vader than I am Skywalker, I will keep walking this path until I die.”

“Because you see no other way out,” she didn't hide the disappointment in her voice and let her hands slip away from his face. His form stayed human, as did hers. There was no point in pretense. His grip loosened on her shoulders as she folded her arms. “You radiate light even now, you know. More than I've ever seen in you.”

“You're not perfect, you know. I see the darkness in you, the potential. So what makes you think you can save me?”

“I never claimed I could.” He broke away, pacing around the beautiful space in her mind. They were in a cyclical discussion on power and freedom, neither side would win. He felt exhausted, and let his body crumple to an invisible floor. Rey observed him for a few moments before settling down beside him. The silence stretched between them, not unpleasant, but heavy. She surprised herself by locating his hand and lacing her fingers through his. He made no attempt to stop her or break away.

“So, what do we do?” He murmured, not a direct question so much as an open thought.

“I plan on trying to live, get through these battles, then fling myself to some far off planet in the outer rim where I can find some peace. What about you?”

“Keep waking up, becoming more powerful, until I die or can kill Snoke and be my own entity again.” Rey stared at him openly, the confession not what she expected. “I am bound to my Master, Rey, only death can separate us now.”

“And if you kill him?”

“Then I am the Sith Lord, control my life again, lead the Knights of Ren in the purpose I originally intended. Not some heavy handed political regime, but fighters unafraid of all aspects of the force, what the Jedi could have been.”

“Or, abandon the Sith, and still lead the Knights.” She suggested.

“You're so afraid of power.”

“I'm not so much afraid of it as I am tired of it,” she realized holding his much larger hand was bringing comfort to them both, “haven't you ever felt that the universe would be better off without the Force? That without it, the playing field would be level. You and I would not have to worry about a responsibility to power and how we use it.”

“Is that why you would leave all your new friends for the outer rim as soon as you feel your responsibility is fulfilled?” He looked at her plainly as the explanation rolled off his tongue. His assessment felt simple, but he was not wrong. “You don't want your gift.”

“Don't tell me it has never crossed your mind. Would you do it all again?” She stared him straight in the eye, “Born again, would you repeat it all?” He was quiet for a few moments, considering her question. His eyes would flick to the galaxy around them, then back to her face, their twined fingers. It shocked her when he squeezed his hand.

“Of course, not all of it.” His reply was quiet and slow, “I would never submit myself to a master, I would not be a Knight of Ren, I would be alone with my power, just like you.” Rey let her eyes wander from his stare, but let her other hand clasp the top of their twined ones while she sighed. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine this conversation would be real, but here they were, in the only place they were safe. They hovered in their thoughts for an unmeasured amount of time before Rey heaved a great sigh and let herself fall backward. Kylo looked down at her with a brow cocked, and she smirked back while yanking him toward toward the floor with her. He looked mildly annoyed as he resisted her.

“For fuck sake, take the comfort I'm giving you, you stubborn ass.” She bit the words at him and rolled her eyes, “Tomorrow we may kill one another, I'd rather have at least one good memory of you before that happens.” He opened his mouth for a moment, an angry reply likely on his lips, but he let it die and fell onto his back. Their hands still together, arms next to one another’s, she could feel his hair mingle with hers as they stared into the expanse of stars and voids. She felt peace overtake her, and over time, felt the serenity wind into Kylo as well. Despite the absurdity of the situation, the decompression from all the months of stress felt worth it. To see Kylo Ren as a human being felt so normal.

“I hope I do not see you on the field tomorrow.” He broke their long silence. “While I have no desire to kill you, I cannot fail again if we meet.”

“Surrender or die?”

“Yes, or I will die instead.”

“I will do my best to avoid you.” She turned her head toward him just as he turned to her.

“We can't outrun this, fate is crashing our destinies together. You and I seem meant to fight until one of us is extinguished.”

“I don't particularly believe in predestination.” She felt her nose wrinkle in irritation, eyes squinting as she turned her head to meet his stare, “We make our own path, our own story. I've had no one but me for so long, and I've survived because of me. Not fate. Not destiny. Survival and the Force. If only you could see that you are here because of you.”

“I've had people in my head since I was a child.” He drawled, unimpressed, “How could I have possibly fought that fate?”

“By seeing that you are greater than those who whispered to you in the dark.” Rey countered back, her voice low but firm. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, but just held his hand tighter.

“When the galaxy looks down at you from its heights, it is a difficult thing to think you are anything.” His stare cut her as deeply as his words. She felt drawn to his loneliness, just as she was when she first saw his face and felt his fears. She broke eye contact when she felt the tears prick, staring instead at the beautiful galaxy overhead. Then, in a low voice, she heard him utter, “I am… humbled that you feel I hold worth.”

Rey wiped her free hand under each eye and smiled slightly, “Now all that's left is for you to see it.”

“Silly girl. You think you can change the universe?” Kylo sounded amused, and she turned her head again to see a genuine smirk on his face.

“Of course not, I'm not that arrogant,” she rolled her eyes playfully, “just really, really stubborn.” He shocked her again by barking a quick laugh to the stars, and she found she liked the sound a great deal. Good and evil was such a generalization, she realized, and every life was worth saving, even his. They lay in silence for what felt like days, deep in meditation, surrounded by the stars, black holes, and silence of space. After while they began to feel a shift in their bodies, the sleep cycle was coming to an end. He drew himself up first before helping her to her feet. She was surprised when he didn't let go of her hand.

“Rey…” He began, but stopped short to sigh and observe the space again. He clenched his jaw and brought his eyes back to hers, “Thank you. You did not have to do this.”

“You're right, I didn't, but I wanted to.” She shrugged up at him. It won her another small smile.

“Rey, you have given me some things to think about. Brought me a measure of peace. I feel like I owe you now, but I have no way of repaying you.”

“You could-”

“Don't ask me to do something I cannot promise. Just know that you have my gratitude.” He cut her off firmly, but softened, “I don't want to see you tomorrow.”

“I don't want to see you, either.”

“I will try to think of something.” He seemed to promise before letting go of her hand, his body fading to smoke and ash, leaving her space without a word more.

“What will you do, Ren?” She heard her voice dimly register in the stars. With another deep breath, she found her way back into her body, still upright, but relaxed and rested. Daylight was filtering in through the small window above her bed.

Rey burst into tears. Great, heaving sobs left her lungs as she replayed the evening in her mind. How cruel it was to see the humanity of her enemy on the break of battle. After several minutes, she calmed enough to rise, change clothes, and pull her hair back. She strapped her saberstaff to her belt and donned tall leather boots. Her body was ready for war, her mind would have to catch up over breakfast.

**Author's Note:**

> Can I fanfiction? Probably not. :p Just a little plot bunny that turned into an actual story. Leave some feedback, I'd love to hear from you. Hopefully I have enough in me to expand on this plot. Thank you for reading!


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